Kathleen's Blog

She hurt my feelings.

I don’t think she meant to, this stranger in the Airport Lounge.  But she did.

Our conversation started, as often is the case, talking about our jobs, hobbies, pets, why we were in Seattle and then… to our families.

She had a husband. Me, too.  She had four children. I don’t have any.

The horror.  I. do. not. have. children.

I wish there were an easy way to dodge or answer this question. SQUIRREL!  But there isn’t, and it can never just be a Yes/No question. Because if the answer is “No”…. then the follow up question is why (the hell) don’t you have children?

I’m 41. When do I get to stop answering that question? When do I get to stop justifying my decision?

It always strikes me as rude that people feel quite justified in commenting so aggressively on what is a private decision, but it seems my choosing to abstain from birthing babies is worthy of repetitive, public debate.

Early on, people patted me on the head and said that when I met the right person, I’d change my mind.  Possibly? I was young.  I might also win the lottery.

Then in my next decade came the pitying comments encouraging me to hang in there because I’d get a shot at having a family one day. As if I hadn’t already built a fun, challenging, stimulating, adventurous, fulfilling life. Without kids.

The following decade brought comments about my intense focus on my career: Didn’t I know my job was becoming a hurdle to finding a man and starting a family?  And goodness,  I was never going to find a good man if I didn’t want kids!!

Well guess what….I found a great man. We have a great life. I love my career. I still don’t want kids AND I am happy.

But…

This morning I learned my life doesn’t have meaning because I don’t have children and that I have embarked on a life that doesn’t matter because I don’t want to have children.  According to this all-knowing stranger in the airport lounge.

Ouch.  I didn’t have a sarcastic, clever retort. I was dumbfounded at the judgement that had just been cast.

Granted, her view is extreme but she is on the same spectrum as people who tell me I am missing out on the beauty that life has to offer and the people who quietly (politely) shake their heads in disbelief.

Babies are cute, but they can be loud and stinky (24/7).  I enjoy kids, for a few hours, but then my head starts to hurt. Teenagers can be fun, but they can also be messy and expensive.

No one in their right mind should want me to be a mother. There is wisdom in my decision. I chose to leave the babies to people who have passion for such things.

I am sure it is a beautiful, wondrous, amazing experience. For women who want to be mothers. And I so much appreciate women who embark on that adventure. I cast no judgement on those who chose that journey. Yay, Mothers!  Mothers ROCK!

But so do I. And I matter.

Love, me